by Rupert Robin
Given that I have entered some long solo mountain-bike events and all of my test/training events had either been bum-searingly painful or completely washed out, I decided that joining the Swiss Team of my brother’s mates was the best way to cement preparation for the Bristol Bike Fest 12 and the Mountain Mayhem 24 events.
The route was to have been a 7 day van-accompanied tour from Bern to Monte Carlo taking in the cruellest of the passes that Switzerland and the Haute-Alpes have to offer. The route had been emailed to me in glorious Swiss over-planned style, with every twist and turn documented like a race book. It was going to be hard with a daily distance of 140km odd and some 3000 vertical metres of climbing everyday. Not that that was necessarily the hard part, it was the gradients that were going to kill me. I still hadn’t gotten around to fitting the compact chainset I’d been promising myself. So I emailed a photograph of a 56T front ring saying that I was in and couldn’t the hills be made a bit more numerous as I had fitted some special gearing to assist my previously woeful climbing.
However, I was saved by late snow in the Alpes which meant that at the last minute a backup route was required. Being Swiss, the team had already forseen this and I was emailed the reserve route, which didn’t look a lot different to be honest, except in one crucial regard… the gradients were slighter. Hooray. Jura and the Cevennes, here I come.
The bike was duly packed into its now well travelled box and I was soon sitting waiting for my brother at Zurich airport and admiring the haute couture clad figures of three models who were very considerately loitering in the arrivals hall. The next morning at 830am I was standing on the road near Burgdorf, Bern, with my less model-like Swiss friends, looking forward to an easy 140km first day. We wove our way through the backroads of Switzerland with the precision of a Swiss watch. Well, almost. Still, I had no idea of direction unless I looked at the sun as the twists and turns were so numerous, so a couple of wrong turns had to be expected. For some reason I always found myself at the front of the 11 man group as we came to junctions, so I just always went right… sometimes correctly, sometimes to a chorus of ‘links!’ or ‘geradoos!’ The first 140km went rolling fairly un-strenuously by and became 175 as we rolled into our first overnight stop on the border of Switzerland and France after 20km of climbing in the last 30km.
Day 2: The next day saw us in the Jura and some proper climbing. As I dragged my sorry way up the Grand Colombier (a 1300 m climb at about 10% average, I think), I was reminded that this little side-diversion had in fact been my idea… I resolved not to suggest any further side trips… Still, my climbing was improving a bit. Then later in the day we took a wrong turn and had to ride an extra 30 km and 500m vertical! They may be great engineers, the Swiss, but their navigation off their home turf was sometimes not so brilliant! Not that anyone cared. With no traffic, great weather and super climbs, why should they?
Day 3 was another awesome day. It rained all night, was dull to start with but then as the hills began the sun shone gloriously and the temperature rose into the 30's. Matthew and I took the first and second KOM places on both the big climbs of the day (admittedly only because Cristoph, the group’s resident 26 year old pro wasn’t trying to hurt us so early in the week). Huge 900 vertical meter 16 km long ones. There again I had to give it some on the long flat climbs because I am crap at the 10+% ones. Matthew and I enjoyed being the Englische Mannschaft and we got to ride together for a while rather than being just part of an 11 strong bunch. We always coordinated our kit in the morning! Sad I know.
Day 4: Easy day today – I big ringed all the climbs, much to the amusement of the Swiss, who are sensibly geared down and wouldn’t dream of using the big ring unless it was on a downhill stretch.
Day 5: Arrived at another super hotel in a place called Villefort after a day of riding uphill, it seemed. I could fall in love with this part of the world. Well, except for the non-existent night life, that is. Dani, Matthew and I went hopefully to the local discotheque last night only to find it closed. What do the French youth do to entertain themselves? Drugs behind the supermarket if the local papers are to be believed.
Day 6: An interesting day today. 1000m climbing straight out of the hotel for the A group. Joining the A group was my first mistake, as we say! At 1550m it was 2deg C and snowing hard. Not to mention the 30km/h headwind. Absolutely frozen when we got to the bottom again. Had to sit in a cafe for 30mins warming up. We had only done 60k and still had 110 to go. The support van caught up with us and everyone else changed into long pants and arctic gear. Being totally unprepared for snow I had to borrow a pair of stocking things and just get an extra top and a wind-cheater from my bag. The wind blew all day and it rained on and off but mostly off until the last 500m vertical 10km long climb up to the hotel when it was definitely on and super windy. All in all an epic day for the Englanders who rode on the front for much of the day. I think the Swiss don't get too much experience of headwinds whilst Matthew and especially I have way too much! Bloody glad to get to the hotel though. It had a bar with a great looking huge stone fireplace. I’d be there asap!
Day 7: Well, today's biggest climb had to be abandoned due to snow! That didn't stop us riding another 5 climbs totaling 2200 vertical meters in a fantastic 150km day. Some of the most beautiful scenery I have ever seen is to be found up on the Cevennes plateaux.
Gorse, wild heather and stunted trees breaking the rolling open meadows rippling in the ever-present wind. 10 degrees in the morning 30 in the afternoon! Cristoph turned up the heat on the climbs and kept me hanging off his wheel up the days’ climbs. I could even beat Matthew up the climbs now (as long as they were less than 7%!). We got to the top of one climb and as I sat up, dripping sweat, Cristoph blasted off down through the gears with the kind of energy that let me know he had just been playing me, again. However, I feel tip-top as the Swiss would say, and have a super cyclist's tan to boot. All in all an excellent week. They are such a nice bunch, these guys! They even awarded me the tour’s Green Points Jersey for me efforts during the week on the front at those crucial hill-top sprints and long wind-blown roads!
Tomorrow is back to Zürich in the minibus and then home! I am looking forward to the day when I can bring my kids on a trip like this. They would love it here. Cycling, gastronomy and scenery. Its a dream come true.
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Koksijde is a well-off seaside resort not far from Gent. Mercedes and Audis only please. Attempts to speak the local lingo with the locals were met with accentless English replies, so I gave up asking for stuff in Flemish and just asked in French instead… It winds them up a bit before you let slip you are British and receive grudging forgiveness.
I thought that the start of the race would end this obsession with the recently pregnant but it was not to be. Every couple of minutes I would be prodded aBen’s furtive whisper “Look, it’s a Loola!”, or “I like those Bebe ones,” would interrupt my distressed mental translation of the Belgian race commentary. He was still at it after the race, but at least as darkness fell the young mothers retreated to the safety of their homes well away from the Ben’s lustful looks at their infants’ conveyances… We, on the other hand, retreated to a Creperie/Bar in Koksidje for carbohydrates in the company of the local beer-drinking scout troupe. I broke the chinaware an Ben talked a little more on his new specialized topic. A day in Belgium – it makes you glad to be a European. 
